…Bernie Smathers was looking forward to the day when he got to read the other book.
As far as Stormtroopers went, Bernie was more interested in a different type of storm…
Captain Snuffles lived for 3 years as the Smathers’ family’s pet lobster before the unfortunate truth was discovered.
Bernie’s fatal error had been in taking too long to set up his tripod.
Bernie Smathers had been waiting for a sign, however on some level he had also been hoping it would be a little more informative.
First, Bernie Smathers ravished the furniture. Then another idea occurred to him…
“So I said, “Give me three dollars and fifty-eight cents and I’ll show you how many ways a hamster can meet with an ‘accident’.””
Bernie’s career as a hostage negotiator was complicated by his inner thirst for violence.
“Wait, has anyone seen Ralph?” asked Bernie Smathers, but Ralph had been the first to discover that The Legend Of The Grotto Monster wasn’t actually a legend after all…
“No, no,” said Bernie Smathers, “after the Big Sleep comes the Big Breakfast. Then comes the Big Disagreement Over Whose Turn It Is To Put Away The Laundry, followed by the Big Freaky Makeout Sex.”
“You’re not in Kansas anymore,” said Wanda.
Bernie Smathers attempted to explain that, technically, they actually were still in Kansas, however by that point he was locked in the boot and running out of oxygen.